Back in the saddle, sort of….

It’s been a while, as I’ve frankly been too tired to post. I work some ODD shifts, and I just got back on my ‘usual’ shift. 

Upon looking at blogs like those by my friend Zoe Brain ( http://aebrain.blogspot.com/ ) and Zinnia Jones  ( with whom I have no relationship – http://freethoughtblogs.com/zinniajones/ ) – I tend to think of mine as rather amateurish. I am an amateur I suppose – I don’t even have a ‘tip jar’ set up. Hopefully, once I re-acclimatize to something like a normal workday and get used to writing more regularly, it will improve. I really do need to get in the habit of writing more, but at least I know WHY I have issues now. Recent events, insights, and Zinnia’s latest blog leads me to the conclusion that I’ve been dealing with ‘dysphoria’ for a VERY long time. Her latest post is here: http://freethoughtblogs.com/zinniajones/2013/09/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/

I encourage you to go read her breakdown, which is more than the simple list I’ve ‘stolen’ here. She really does nail it for me, insofar as how I’ve felt for so long – since before PUBERTY, honestly. She breaks it down into the following issues:

1. Continual difficulty with simply getting through the day.

2. A sense of misalignment, disconnect, or estrangement from your own emotions.

3. A feeling of just going through the motions in everyday life, as if you’re always reading from a script.

4. A seeming pointlessness to your life, and no sense of any real meaning or ultimate purpose

5. Knowing you’re somehow different from everyone else, and wishing you could be normal like them. 

6. A notable escalation in the severity of these symptoms during puberty.

7. Attempting to fix this on your own through various coping mechanisms. 

8. Substantial resolution of these symptoms in a very obvious way upon transitioning, particularly upon initiating HRT.

Every one of these ring true except #8, because I’m still trying to find ‘coping mechanisms’. Nothing really helps. I’m *functional* but that’s about all. 

My next ‘goalpost’ is the 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millon_Clinical_Multiaxial_Inventory ..mainly to insure that I don’t have MORE issues that don’t show up besides ‘Gender Dysphoria. 

In a perfect world, I’d already be in the process of transition. I can’t really do that, as I have to make a living, I’m a father, and a husband. The best I think I can do until after I retire is low dose estradiol and androgen blockers. Once I’ve started that, hopefully I won’t have to worry about boobs – though I’d personally love to have them at this point – and (according to more than just Zinnia’s experience ) MOST if not all the ‘dysphoria’ will go away. 

Another piece I’ve read is located here: http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Basically, I fit ‘type three’ to a large degree. I’m a classic ‘late bloomer’. There was simply no way I could have known because my feelings weren’t ‘gender specific’ at all until September of 2010, when I started looking on the Internet to find an answer to the issues that started to more and more come to the forefront of my mind. 

I think that I’m emotional healthier now – a bit more stable – and my brain is ‘healing’. I’m not ‘there’ yet, but is anyone EVER ‘there’ in terms of being happy? I’m certainly better off, but the answer is that I’m a transexual, in all likelyhood – It “Tends to be progressive” as Zoe says…. 

Peace

1 Comment

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One response to “Back in the saddle, sort of….

  1. Did some small edits to fix some typos….

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