Coming Out

A friend recently asked me if I plan to come out at work.

Strangely enough, the answer is really dependent on whether or not I can still pass as a GUY before I retire.

I already get quizzical looks, and I honestly get a giggle out of some people’s reactions. While I haven’t been physically assaulted since I was 14, the arguments of some ill-tempered assholes still give me pause. What would they do if they KNEW I was transgender?

The self-righteousness of some people seems to over-ride their insistence that all of us have the same rights.

THEIR rights to not see or interact with people like me seems to be ‘more equal’ in their eyes, and I have zero rights to object, or lay claim my right to exist, expect decent modern medical treatment, etc. The tendency of some to shout me down makes it obvious, that they’re hypocrites of the first order.


It’s Texas, and every time something rains on their sad little parade of personal supremacy, their assholery pops out like mushrooms – ugly, squatty, stinky mushrooms.

From the other side of the room, Other People seem to think their political goals (of which they demand I should be a part) over-rides the individual rights outlined in the Constitution. Sorry, as far as THOSE people are concerned, I’m the Lone Ranger. …and I’ve got a great f***ing theme song.

“are you coming out?”

“…no thanks, I’m staying inside where it’s cool and I don’t get sunburn”

I get it, but I work so much better now, on estradiol, that additional changes don’t seem as necessary – clothes, makeup, surgery, and so on. At my age – 62 – I look back and I’m really rather pleased I’m ALIVE.

I’m too old to PUSH certain things, but not too old to change as the necessity becomes apparent.

…but – if I ever CoPlay as Jessica Rabbit, I’ll make sure to post some photos…..

Three years ago I was still an anxious, depressed older man incapable of basic decision-making. The difference is *dramatic* from my point of view. Posts like this are PART of coming out. We’re social animals, we need interaction, I need feedback.

I’m happy for the first bloody time in my life, I’m not jumping through any hoops to make someone else happy that isn’t themselves actually dedicated to making ME happy. I understand the nature of compromise, I played that game far too long.

“Southern Baptist” isn’t “Christian”, sorry…..

If I were in my 20’s….. even 30’s – maybe I’d push slightly harder at publicly presenting female.

I am not an ‘activist’ – though to some (usually on the political “right”) it might appear that I’m being one simply by not continuing to cower in my closet.

But I’m just a girl trying to sort out life from the inside of a very male and somewhat overweight (still) body. I’m just another human in an unusual situation.

I don’t owe “The Transgender Community” anything, I never PROMISED them anything. I may owe some individuals in said community the return of a few favors (mainly for pointing out where to look) – but if you know me, you know I’m not a Believer in “Collectivist Responsibility”. Human Society has never managed to make Collectivism work.

Human Society has always been about taking care of those next to you in the foxhole. The people throwing shit my direction have never been in my Foxhole. They can jolly well **** off….. If you want my vote, suggest things that are rational – you know, like fixing roads, enforcing existing immigration law, limiting the actual excesses of government.

I know who I am, my coming out isn’t a political goal or a gate-keeping requirement.

My presenting as female would be for MY comfort – not someone else’s. If it’s more trouble than wearing jeans and a t-shirt, I need to profit from it in some (probably emotional) way. I don’t suffer continuous dysphoria from not presenting female.

It’s likely fetal exposure to DES is why I’m “a little different” – my 45+ years of exposure to testosterone and all those years of attempted socialization makes it virtually impossible I’m going to be happy doing or wearing “girly” things if I’m not happy with the way I look….

…and I’m an artist.

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Catching up with a Friend….

Where I continue with an old friend…. she in bold:

“thrilled that you are comfortable where you are!”

…Boobs are bloody awesome.

“..You have the wonderful quality of always being yourself, even as you are evolving. I think THAT is what I saw when we first met, and I am sorry that I did not communicate that to you clearly..”

I can’t imagine being fake. No matter what gender space I occupy.

I might not be politically correct, I may appear rude to some, but I can’t do Fake. I think on occasion that people WANT me to support their thinking, and don’t “react well” when I don’t.

“..In all our interactions, I have had that sense that you are nonbinary, but on the feminine side of it. I did not express this because I was not sure what you were aiming for and I wanted you to have room to explore and discover for yourself…”

I appreciate that.

A former friend basically told me to abandon the idea of Transition, gave me the usual “religious reasons” to stop. At the time, it tore me apart – because I respected her then.

Nothing would have been a bigger mistake.

Yes, Transition complicates our lives.

But we’re complicated – and nothing can change that.

“…I recognized it because for years I was on the feminine side of androgynous even as I continued to gradually blossom into womanhood. I could have “stopped” at any point along that journey (and my spouse would have appreciated this), but each time I removed a masculine gender cue and added a feminine one, I checked myself, and found that as “right” as it felt, I wanted to move further. My “stopping point” is somewhere between “tomboy” and “girly-girl,” so I am comfortable being a Queer Woman with a few dashes of genderqueer…”

This is SO DIFFERENT from what I was told I was, from how I learned to approach life.

But my heart says “keep going, we’re not there yet”

“…Re intersex: yes, I agree with you, AND likewise, I learned that I am XY from my 23&Me…”

There are people that are so militant about us not being a part of their Banana Boat they’re willing to fight pretty hard. We’re “faggots” to them.

But there are many that also occupy this space with us that are demonstrably Intersex and fit into a ‘conventional’ medical classification of same….

“…I am virtually certain that it was DES exposure through 4/5ths of my gestation that put me into the blurry space between intersex and transsexual…”

Mom “took all kinds of things”, but also had two surgeries during my gestation. Stress on the fetus during the pregnancy greatly increases one’s chances of being Transgender. I may be as much a “natural” as a “DES Son”.

“..Whatever anyone can say, I was no more a cis male than I will ever be a cis female: I am transgender, and I am certain that this will be seen to be yet another way to be intersex..”

Once I had discovered the probable reason I never fit into the Binary, I began to see all the many ways I wasn’t male. I continue to see new things.

God calls me “Daughter”.

…that resonates so very deeply with me.

“…Re bisexual: interesting!…”


“…And I can understand that scary bit because I have been asexual/demisexual for all my life..”

I tend to think ALL women are demisexual to a degree.

I’ve always been scared of men to some degree, I think – they were my tormentors all through childhood.

“..and when I got my estradiol levels comfortably into the female range, I suddenly started to have little twinges of interest in both sexes. BUT hormones are pretty profound, and since I generally do not have any testosterone (not even from my adrenals), my interest in sex is lower than it has ever been…”

I’ve been driven like a male all my life – but sex AS a male didn’t ever feel RIGHT. My T is pretty low now – 8-12 ng/dl

When I was on Pregnenolone (200 mg/day for 2-4 years) I was likely driving my T down – I began “guy watching”. That’s only gotten more intense the longer I’ve been on Estrogen. E is in the 600-800 (pMol/liter – IIRC) range.

I’ve woken up thinking about guys – the idea of being on the ‘receiving end’ of a nice guy’s attention is oddly attractive now. Yeah – hormones make us ‘tick’, and no amount of ‘trying to be male’ can overcome that.

Apparently even after decades of testosterone.

I can only bemoan what a waste – other than the birth of two wonderful children – of time that was.

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I’m not a Blogger by inclination apparently….

I friend once said that I presented more or less as who I was – that was 5-6 years ago, I think. That concerned me more THEN, than now. That’s another indicator of how far I’ve improved emotionally. Though I’m not about to shout it from the rooftops, I’m not terribly concerned that people notice I’m a little different. My wife freaked out a little in Walmart when she noticed a guy was PROBABLY staring at my boobs – but that honestly made me laugh.

I might be a B cup at this point, I think people would be more concerned if I acted on the exhibitionist streak that I try to keep under wraps.

I’m not “binary” – and I’m figuring that out now. Both a non-binary identity and being bisexual is complex and confusing. I try to not stare at guys – BUT… I do. I missed that “window of opportunity” for the most part. The single encounter I had with a guy back in Nuke School kind of freaked me out for at least 2 reasons.

I’m – complex – and that puts some people off – see the “non-binary” identity. I think my sexuality – running on estrogen (it’ll be 4 years in October) – is essentially female.

I lean “more female than male” – not sure how far that dive goes. I know I’m simply NOT “male inside”. I run so much better on estrogen.

I think a little T might help – both with hair and muscles, just a TOUCH. I’m running in the 8-12 pg/ml(??) range – and the norm is 20-60, IIRC. CIS women need more, and I think I do too. Having taken pregnenolone early on (essentially from 2013 until 2017) drove T down below 200. That helped emotionally, and it’s why taking E basically drove it into the basement.

The tests on any Intersex issues I might have came up zilch. I’m XY, and came up as not having one of the Androgen Insensitivity issues. If I am Intersex, it’s subtler or uncommon. Frankly, I consider being Transgender an Intersex issue. I’m not the only one that thinks that.

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What is Transition?

I’ve had one friend who’s kept on me about taking care of myself. Everyone needs a friend that checks up on you that understands you. As another Trans* person,  she understands some things better than my wife.

It’s been a while!!

Life is good, some challenges, but life overall is much better.  My wife understands some more of what’s going on, I’m not out at work yet, and I’m only starting to think about “girl clothes”.

… and that “concerns” some of my friends. Less so than I used to deal with (largely because the noisiest have either shut up, figured me out, or blocked me for “not being that genuine”)…

Being Trans* isn’t about one thing – gender is a spectrum.  I think transition for many of us is not only about HRT and learning “how to be a girl” – it’s about learning who we’re supposed to be.

We learn that we’re not just a girl, and not just who society wants us to be – but who we should have been.

Society tramples even CIS people in it’s effort to push us all into nice boxes – cogs to make the mechanism of civilization work, with zero concern for who we are. That’s part of the struggle. It’s something I have serious issues with among Trans* people – too many of us try to fit into ANOTHER box. Too many try to force others to fit into their political agenda.

Transition is about FREEDOM….

And I’m all about Freedom.


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Well, almost three years now…

…what can happen in three years?

Well, quite a bit.

Still employed, that’s a good thing. As things are now, I don’t see that changing. I’ve come to understand that I’m one of their better people. It helps that I can see others more as they are, not as dysphoria and anxiety colors them – well not so much anymore, at least. So, I’m going to stick with this place until I retire – mostly because I need the pension. ALSO? At 59, I’m just not enthusiastic about the idea of starting over.

I’m not sure why I didn’t update – I just wasn’t so bad off emotionally any more, I suppose. I was in a lot of pain – from the depression that nearly killed me, and the anxiety that followed once I figured things out.

Writing requires energy of a sort, and I was at a low ebb for a long time, healing. When the anger abated, and the work of sorting myself out began – I didn’t have as much energy as I did.

I’ve started going to the gym, and my diabetes is under better control now. I’m watching what I eat better now, too….

I’ve been on Hormone Replacement therapy for just over a year. I’ve slowly ramped up to 4 mgs a day – one 2mg every 12 hours. Spironalactone (an androgen suppressor – reduces testosterone levels) – 100 mg a day. Spiro isn’t the best stuff to take, so as soon as my next new endo takes over, I’ll be talking to her about that.

My last endo was good, but she’s moving to the Northwest for some reason. I’m going to miss her, she was good to work with.

A friend pushed me to get a new endocrinologist, and get HRT started…. just as one friend set me going in the right direction, and likely saved my life… Friends are good to have. Even if you never set eyes on them, strangers can become friends.

I still dress male, but I’m sure my appearance isn’t strictly male now, my hair almost reaches the middle of my back (if it’s wet), and the extra weight I’m carrying doesn’t ALWAYS hid the fact I have small breasts. Well, as far as I know. My nipples are certainly sensitive enough. Some days I wear a tank top under my T-shirt, they bother me so much.

I’m far better off emotionally, yet I’m more emotional than I’ve probably been all my life – at least since I can remember – since 1st grade? The fear of my mother was always greater when I was a child, than the fear of responsibility I’ve had as an adult.

The dysphoria that started (in hindsight, not something I saw THEN) in my puberty is something that’s at least understandable and definable now, with a cause and it’s something I can deal with.

The solution – known, but not easy. I’ve changed in many small ways.Life works now. Not the life of some middle-aged guy that I was trying to be, buy MY life.

….this sums it up:


For most of my life, I did not know who I was. People tell me I’m a wonderful woman who has a lot to offer – I’ve come to agree with them. I’m happier than I’ve been – well – EVER….


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The Right to Know….

As I may have hinted at before, I’m not ‘out’ anywhere except on the occasional group of people that are on Facebook, as well as with my Support Group and some of my close family. Many of us live double lives, trying not to ‘rock the boat’, while still fulfilling the promises we made.

On one of those Facebook groups, someone asked ” is a husband guilty of *ruining a marriage* because of his (her) transness when it was not disclosed prior to the relationship/marriage?”

Bayne MacGregor had this to say, and I think it’s the best and most complete way I’ve heard it described to date:

“….Yes but Cynnthia, lets be fair here.

1, Did you encounter that choice in a time and place where tens of thousands of years of Transgender culture, history, tradition and social participation had been erased through hundreds or thousands of years of slaughter, genocide, religious cultural and legal oppression?

2, Did you learn of lots of positive Transgender people through history in school?

3, Were there many positive Transgender role models on tv and in books as you grew up?

4, Did you grow up in a community where 3%-8% of people were openly proudly Trans?

5,Were you trained to exist in fear taught to hide who you were at risk of the loss of your friends, family, career and life?

I can answer for you, we all can. The answers are: yes, no, no, no, yes for almost every Trans person on earth alive today. Admitting we are Trans, especially even a couple decades ago, was not far from the equivalent of admitting partial Jewish ancestry in Nazi Germany. And actually Trans people were a target of the Nazis but i want you Cynnthia to really honestly and fairly consider that. If you are to judge yourself you have to be fair. And that means recognising some facts that can be hard because we are taught to feel guilty for existing.

So i’m going to restate some things, rationally and factually, but in ways that turn the way we are used to looking at ourselves upside down.

Trans is in-part Genetic.

It’s inheritable, sure if you get the gene it just increases your chances but lots of genetic things work that way. But that means we are a people. A people spread across all of humanity, clearly evolving early in humanity but a people nonetheless.

That makes our oppression similar to racism. It makes the attempts to eradicate us attempted genocide. It makes the past outlawing of us being ourselves cultural-genocide.

All the existing major religions of the world have now or once had Pro-Trans scripture and denominations. I want you to see that what our people have endured is religious bigotry in all those faiths in attempts to erase us. Many of the rest of the worlds religions were Pro-Trans too including ones exterminated by the major ones.

So you were robbed of your history, robbed of your culture, robbed of your role models, robbed of your place in society, robbed of your self-understanding, robbed of your equality, robbed of your security and safety and taught to exist in fear and hiding.

You cannot judge yourself without acknowledging how all these things were factors in your choice.

Shall we list all the people in your life who failed their moral responsibility to you first? Because it will be almost everyone not just in your life prior to your choice but the generation before that and the one before that and depending on where you come from that could go back more than one and a half thousand years or be less than 200.

Everyone who did not stand up to, stop, prevent, overthrow and stamp-out transphobia since transphobia started and spread till you made your choice is also responsible. I want you to picture that.

Picture how many thousands of people, how many millions of people failed in their moral obligations who if they had not failed would have meant you never had that choice placed on your shoulders in the first place, and recognise that their failure was much greater than yours. Almost every single citizen in the democracies. Almost very serf and king. Priest and bishop, pope and patriarch, imam and heirophant etc going back 200 to 1 1/2 thousand years. Then put a fair share of the total guilt and blame for your choice onto their shoulders.

Do not judge yourself by a harsher measure than those people. You could not fail unless they had failed you first, and for some of them the failure was incalculably larger.

Then, let us all remember that regardless of our past difficulties living to the ideal and finding such strength the future depends on us. On us undoing the wickedness of past generations. Let us be the ones to change the fate of the future and erase this unjust and unfair burden of choice from our peoples backs!

Be fair to yourself, and then we can see our current responsibility clearly….”

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We’re ALWAYS gonna be Trans* – and the politics suck….

A friend posted about someone that’s and FtM Trans* Person, and I felt my response was blog-worthy. You can find the ORIGINAL at:

“But there are some things about men I really hate. Well, about patriarchy, I guess. Not about men, or being a man myself, but about sexist, male-centric culture. I hate it enough to feel oddly uncomfortable identifying myself as male.”

Yeah – it’s not fun STARTING there either.

“I’m still a feminist. I’m still a liberal. I’m still queer. I still like anime and sci-fi and fantasy, and cute kids and pets, and bright colors and shiny things, and Japanese art, and all the other things about me that make me me.”

…for various definitions of “feminist” and “Liberal” – yeah…

The other things – I have to wonder if they’re something many of us share because of our position in society.

“Transition has allowed me to shuck a layer of falseness, stop pretending to be something I’m not, and just get on with the business of being myself.”


“But there’s a loss to transition, as well as a gain”

NOT making the obvious joke here….

“It makes me sad, in a deep, existential place, to know that I’ve given up membership in a Sisterhood I never really fit into, but always wanted to, to find myself stuck with “men’s right’s activists” and dudebros as the fellows of my new tribe. I hated men like that as a woman; I hate them even more as a man”

We – will ALWAYS be trans*.

Transition (of a multitude of definitions of ‘transition’) is how we address the pain of being different from the Binary crowd. Most of us will never really BE the target gender – because we missed out on the ‘formative’ years, because we’re too old, because the wrong hormones did too much damage, because we can’t afford….

…it’s a LONG list.

We survive, many of us thrive – some of us crawl through life barely able to support ourselves.

Frankly – I get tired of dealing with it at times.

…but continuing to breath sometimes depends on ‘dealing with it’

The energy needed sometimes to do THAT is…. draining. Yet I *will* continue.

“And yeah, yeah, #notallmen. There are certainly more awesome men in my life than awful ones, but it only takes a few rotten apples to spoil the whole barrel”

…one cutey can make MY whole day. 😉

“I hate that some women I meet fear me, just a little, just for being male. I hate that I can’t smile at a kid in the grocery store without being a suspect pedophile, can’t walk down a sidewalk without having to cut a wide berth around any woman walking alone. Hate the look in her eyes as I go by”

….I always wondered about that – this makes it more clear.

“And I know that look, because it’s ingrained in me. I spent too many years living as a woman not to be just as instinctively afraid of men, especially men on their own. I know exactly what she’s afraid of because I’m still afraid of it, too, and I hate that I’ve become part of the problem just by existing. That by becoming visibly male, I’ve made the world feel that little bit more unsafe for that women”

YOU haven’t become ‘part of the problem’.

You can’t change millenia of idiots.

I know – I tried.

Four wasted decades.

Just be yourself.

You can’t DO any more than that.

“The farther away my days as a female get, the more self-conscious I feel. I pass Victoria’s Secret in the mall and find myself averting my eyes from the lingerie displays, because they most definitely aren’t for me, and any woman who caught me looking at them would probably read me as a creep”

…..some girls think it’s hot. Trust me on this one….

“I don’t smile at kids anymore, or I do and then I flinch away”

Don’t hide who you are. ACTIONS speak – assumptions, well – you know the thing about ASSUME being broken down.

Don’t let Your assumptions about other people’s thoughts destroy you. Don’t let them CHANGE who you really are.

If you do – then the Patriarchy really HAS won.

“Or I make a quick comparison to my nephew, to reassure the parent that I’m not a creepy predator, I’m a gay uncle. I try to appear gay, even though I’m really bisexual, because gay men are less threatening to women.”

…but – Gay Men are threatening to straight men.

That’s WHY they react like that.

They fear getting boned up the ass more than anything, I think.

“I’m not blaming those women for being afraid. They have every right to be afraid. I’ve lived that fear myself. I still have that fear.”

Set the fear aside.

It serves no one, and NOW has no basis.

….unless you fear getting forcably ass-boned.

(Yeah, I bet that hurts…)

“What I want to say is this: Sexism is bad for society, period”

It’s patently STUPID

“I have a dual perspective on it that makes it even clearer to me how that works, because it hurt me as a woman, and in a different way, it hurts me as a man. It hurts women more. It definitely hurts women more, but it also hurts men. And until there is real equality, it will keep hurting us all”

No one wins in the Patriarchy Game.



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Found a Support Group

I’ve started keeping sporadic track of the times I feel more ‘feminine’ and the times I’m down. It helps a little to track just when (or if) I have a monthly rhythm. Honestly – I think I might – but it could also be times that I’m simply not eating right or not taking my insulin at the right dosage. 

I’m still taking 50 mg of Pregnenolone twice a day, and I really think the progesterone boost helps immensely. 

There are times I’m very male still, but there are also times I feel very feminine. I cry at odd things, and easily at times. I’ve also FINALLY found a support group – here: 

…my first meeting was last night, I met a facebook friend there, the person that told me about them – and someone else that has the same issues. It took me more than a month to make up my mind to go and screw up the courage to go there. The fact that it was a little disorganized actually turned out to be helpful. The three of us were the last ones to leave, as we ended up talking out in the parking lot for some time. I hope they decide to attend regularly too, as I realize now just how isolated I’ve been – and how much I need to be with people like myself.

I was busy today, but the meeting also made me realize I need to get busy and get organized. 


May 22, 2014 · 5:31 am

Resolving New Memories: Adult Neurogenesis

I think this is what happened to me, what caused my depression until I started supplementing with Pregnenolone and raised my progesterone levels.

Knowing Neurons

When I was young, my family lived in an old farmhouse.  It was cozy and had a lot of character but, at over 150 years old, it showed its age.  My bedroom was unique since it had been updated with blue shag carpet sometime in the 1970’s.  It was also unique because there was a tiny nail that poked up through the floorboards a few inches past the doorway, hidden from view by the shag.  I knew exactly where that nail was though; I had stepped on it late one night and woke the house with my cries of pain!  I quickly learned to always step just a little bit farther into my room to avoid the hidden nail.  What I later found surprising was that I always took larger steps into my room but never any other room in the house.  How was my brain able to tell the…

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19 Things Bad ‘Allies’ Say

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