Monthly Archives: February 2013

Welp, the Home Machine has assumed room temperature….

The home machine’s HD has died, last weeks ‘fix’ didn’t last long. Apparently, the whole drive has some issue. So here’s that one commercial that hits one of MY buttons….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ijBaUpjoMo

God, I love that outfit….

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Dealing with Feelings….

I’m dealing now with issues having to do with both sexual attraction and emotions – those emotions having to do with who I am gender-wise. Biological is easy (I’m male) – the rest is framed in context to society, the role I fill in my marriage, and my feelings. 

This whole last week, I felt very ‘feminine’ – I can’t lay a finger on much, just how I FELT. A lot of things – for me certainly – are stereotypical. I like smelling nice, I like ‘feminine’ clothing (my wife is NOT ready for much of that at all), I like for people to think I look nice. 

I waited all week to post, because I was so emotional I found it hard to sit down in the few free minutes I had to do so….There are commercials on TV that drive me crazy, not because the girls are hot – but because the OUTFITS are to die for….all ‘feelings’. God, I wish I could look like that…. <sigh>

I’m terrible at feelings, though I’m slowly learning – after 4 decades of not allowing myself to feel much at all – how to deal with them, control them, and when to trust them. I’ve always been ‘intuitive’ about things – and I’m only coming to trust it more and more as time passes. 

I must have been taught – at a very early age, in some way not obvious to me even in hindsight – NOT to trust my feelings. I was told not to cry, to fight the bullies, to ‘be a man’. I learned not to trust my judgement by extension, not to trust myself, it seems. It explains the very low self-esteem I’ve had all my life. The only pride I was allowed to have – was in my mental capacity. I didn’t need to know not to trust my body – it told me I was a weaklling. I was never good at sports, and always lost a fist fight. 

Now that I’m having to deal with something that’s almost ENTIRELY emotion-based, I’m having a rough time getting my emotions to align with what my intellect tells me. My intellect tells me I’m either Bigender, or a very femme male, and that if things ‘go further along’ – SRS is a possibility. I certainly know that hormones may help my emotional state. I don’t have to transition – but I accept that as a logical conclusion IF things progress too much further than where they are now. 

I don’t WANT to transition, but it hurts to think about NOT doing about a third of the time. 

Some feelings are so deeply buried, and so BIG an issue, that they must be explored first. Thing is, MANY of the issues, feelings, experiences of so many other Trans* people line up so closely to these feelings, that it’s really scary. Some are almost like sisters to me. 

I’m still ‘feeling out’ what I am – how deep some things go – I have not hit the ‘bottom’ of most things. 

I don’t really feel ‘female’ that often. I almost never feel ‘male’ – I never really have, I can’t really say what ‘being male’ feels like. WOULD I recognize ‘female feelings’ that aren’t sexual in nature? I’ve certainly had THOSE…..

My emotions about being bisexual are pretty clear – I have only to feel the tightening of my crotch to see that at times. Disturbing? a little – but it’s a concrete reality I can literally hang a hat on. Male bodies at times give me sweaty palms, make me breath heavy – I bet my eyes even dilate….

But, when my sexual identity shifts to female, I want things that are physically impossible to do in this body. I’ve had those – not often – but a lot in the last year. I’ve had phantom pains – so bad it brought tears to my eyes. That’s the dilemma I face – AM I a transexual, or a bigender person? 

Transition is permanent, and I’d probably make an ugly woman without a LOT of expensive surgery. One friend whose judgement I trust, told me that transition is only for when the pain is so bad – suicide looks like a good option. Staring this in the face, I tend to accept that at face value. 

I dealt with a LOT of pain, near-suicidal levels of it before. I can deal with this, for as long as it takes to determine exactly WHO I am now. Low-level, non-transistional levels of hormones are a possibility, if they help alleviate this interminable existential angst. 

I’m not ready for boobs YET, but – if it happens, it’s going to be because I’m as certain as I can be that I’m a woman inside – not just the genderqueer guy it seems I certainly am now……

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Born this way….

Today, a poignant graphic….
Image

My own kids (18 & 22) didn’t react as emotionally as I did when I told them a couple of weeks ago of my issues with Gender and Sexual attraction. Children understand Love, and they start to understand sexual attraction (if things work right) in their teens.

I prayed a LOT when I started to shift emotionally. I’d always been ‘the odd one’ but had never seen myself as ‘gay-oriented’ in any manner. But, I’d never ‘fit in’ anywhere for long, and I never felt as if I had to condemn others for who their were – I was far less uncomfortable around people I knew to be gay than my friends. I found myself – at 53 years old – crying uncontrollably at times, and increasingly attracted to men, I was very much at a loss for WHY this was happening.

One of my triggers when things started was when I saw a webcomic character that had access to technology that enabled him to become ‘her’ at will. Something ‘clicked’ then – that tapped feelings in me that had likely been suppressed for decades, and I began to remember all the times that I’d shoved away things that I found attractive – but had shoved away because my upbringing – family, church, community – had beaten into me was wrong.

I’ve been beaten quite literally – I was bullied a lot in school – and left for dead in a parking lot in Las Vegas by some drug store cowboy that thought I was gay and that I’d offended him….

I was brought up Southern Baptist, which is only a couple of steps away from Westboro-style nincompoopery in all honesty. My mother is (almost literally) nuts, and a hypocrite of the first order. Some say it’s because she was abused as a child – there is evidence to support that. Some think that the Scarlet Fever she had when I was a child had something to do with it – mom never changed as far as I can tell. She’s ALWAYS been the same to me – and only once I’d seen what life was like away from her – after my parent’s divorced – did I start to realize how much her own problems had bled over into my life. I made a promise to myself then, if I ever had kids, that I’d make every effort to not let the poison continue into my children’s lives. I’d like to think that I largely succeeded, even if I’m more distant than I would have preferred to be from them.

I’ve grown as a Christian, even if I end up breaking some rules – This fellow’s view is pretty close to my own:

http://www.lewrockwell.com/orig11/mullen-t2.1.1.html

I’m not really convinced that ‘gay sex’ is breaking the rules if you’re in a  loving relationship – I readily admit I could be wrong, but I will NOT submit to teachers that tell me I’m wrong for seeing men in that light. Given the scandals the regularly rock the Catholic and Protestant branches of ‘Christendom’, I don’t think they have the Authority to call me on it.

I was born this way – and it’s pretty obvious to me I was.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BsLd4Y060Q

No one SEEKS to be this way – certainly not me. I have a family, a GOOD wife, and a decent job. I suddenly (relatively speaking) found out I had a preference is for what are called ‘twinks’ in the Gay Community. ( I don’t care that much for muscly guys – I like effeminate guys and slightly butch or VERY curvy women) …I’m sure more than a few of my family would be shocked to hear that….

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February 7, 2013 · 6:48 pm

Another’s view….

http://pinkessence.com/profiles/blog/show?id=1451021%3ABlogPost%3A867963

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February 6, 2013 · 2:13 am

Okay – Who ARE you?

Here I’m Atomicdunce – there’s a reason I picked that name. I was once involved in the US Navy’s Nuclear Power Program – and I find it staggering that I was not able to see just how different I was, and that I matched the criteria for being a Transgender person (and freaking BISEXUAL) for almost 40 years. Honestly, how did I miss that?

There’s a reason I wish to remain anonymous for now – it’s known only to about a dozen and a half people outside my immediate family that I’m trans and bi – I’m really loathe to let it be known at work. I’m not likely to be fired, but it’s something I think it’d be hard for the knuckle-draggers I work with to deal with and I’d just as soon NOT deal with the comments. I already seem a little ‘different’ to them…

I’m a husband and father. I’ll have been married for 25 years in March. My wife is still trying to deal with this. We’re both in therapy. 

I”m a Christian – I’m not a Catholic. I’m not a fundamentalist. I really – honestly – try to be the real deal. I’m not perfect. I try to be kind and I try to speak to people where THEY are at, not from some position of power or a pulpit. 

It’s a part of who I am as surely as my sexual orientation. 

I AM NOT BETTER THAN YOU simply because I believe in the right sky-god – and I honestly believe *he/she/it* is there. I usually ignore non-intelligent atheists that cite me logic derived of their own minds proving god is a fantasy. Certainty of thought is a good tool to have – but it only gets you so far. 

I’m not an idiot – but I am Human – I have paperwork to testify as to both. I identify as Transgender, Androgynous (not female – so I use the default male pronouns, as I’m biologically male), and  bisexual. 

Most Trans* Blogs I’ve seen are overtly political. I understand that, and support the idea that we ought to be treated like human beings – not freaks.

I’ll touch on political some issues occasionally, but my purpose here is 

  • for this to be a creative outlet for me 
  • to help other Trans* people by showing other new people it can work out
  • pointing to Trans* resources
  • explain to non-Trans* people that we ARE human
  • occasionally vent….

Venting – isn’t that what blogs are all about? 

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Obligatory Initial Post….

40 years ago, I was teenager….about 10 years ago, I started to experience the “fun” of Clinical Depression, I had NO idea what was happening, I was just rarely happy, and often angry.

In September 2010, I started to get what could best be described as ‘episodes’ where I’d get very emotional and start crying so much I had to pull over to the side of the road. The generic antidepressants my general practitioner gave me helped SOME but had side effects I couldn’t deal with. I started being interested in things that no ‘male’ male normally would be…

In March 2012, after two years of chasing after answers on the internet, spirally slowly into major depression. I got an answer…

I was transgender, a ‘typical late bloomer’ – and I was (to some extent) bisexual.

That – to put it mildly – caused a mind-bending shift in my worldview. To say I went a little insane for the better part of a month is an understatement. I’d been raised a fundamentalist Baptist, at one time a deacon in a church from another protestant denomination, and I voted mostly Republican.

I’d never hurt anyone on purpose, but kept ‘queers’ at arm’s length. I can only assume I’d been in denial about certain emotions that – now in hindsight – I’d likely had all my life, but suppressed. I had been so deep in DeNial, that I was somewhere in Zimbabwe….

Because of one concerned soul, I’m still here. I hate to admit to myself how close I was to killing myself, I was that miserable. I got talked to by someone that knew what – to some extent – what was going on. I saw a psychiatrist, I’m taking a better antidepressant – I still have episodes, but not as bad.

I’m seeing a counselor, and I have issues – MANY issues – that need attention. My mom’s behavior and the theocratic nonsense I’d been force-fed as child broke parts of me. I’m only bent now.

Here it is, almost a year later, and I’m certain who I am, but still muddy on the details. This blog is somewhere that I can remain anonymous, record what really is going on, open a dialog with other transgender folk like me, pour out my heart – and maybe, just maybe, help someone else that has the same issues.

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