40 years ago, I was teenager….about 10 years ago, I started to experience the “fun” of Clinical Depression, I had NO idea what was happening, I was just rarely happy, and often angry.
In September 2010, I started to get what could best be described as ‘episodes’ where I’d get very emotional and start crying so much I had to pull over to the side of the road. The generic antidepressants my general practitioner gave me helped SOME but had side effects I couldn’t deal with. I started being interested in things that no ‘male’ male normally would be…
In March 2012, after two years of chasing after answers on the internet, spirally slowly into major depression. I got an answer…
I was transgender, a ‘typical late bloomer’ – and I was (to some extent) bisexual.
That – to put it mildly – caused a mind-bending shift in my worldview. To say I went a little insane for the better part of a month is an understatement. I’d been raised a fundamentalist Baptist, at one time a deacon in a church from another protestant denomination, and I voted mostly Republican.
I’d never hurt anyone on purpose, but kept ‘queers’ at arm’s length. I can only assume I’d been in denial about certain emotions that – now in hindsight – I’d likely had all my life, but suppressed. I had been so deep in DeNial, that I was somewhere in Zimbabwe….
Because of one concerned soul, I’m still here. I hate to admit to myself how close I was to killing myself, I was that miserable. I got talked to by someone that knew what – to some extent – what was going on. I saw a psychiatrist, I’m taking a better antidepressant – I still have episodes, but not as bad.
I’m seeing a counselor, and I have issues – MANY issues – that need attention. My mom’s behavior and the theocratic nonsense I’d been force-fed as child broke parts of me. I’m only bent now.
Here it is, almost a year later, and I’m certain who I am, but still muddy on the details. This blog is somewhere that I can remain anonymous, record what really is going on, open a dialog with other transgender folk like me, pour out my heart – and maybe, just maybe, help someone else that has the same issues.