Obligatory Initial Post….

40 years ago, I was teenager….about 10 years ago, I started to experience the “fun” of Clinical Depression, I had NO idea what was happening, I was just rarely happy, and often angry.

In September 2010, I started to get what could best be described as ‘episodes’ where I’d get very emotional and start crying so much I had to pull over to the side of the road. The generic antidepressants my general practitioner gave me helped SOME but had side effects I couldn’t deal with. I started being interested in things that no ‘male’ male normally would be…

In March 2012, after two years of chasing after answers on the internet, spirally slowly into major depression. I got an answer…

I was transgender, a ‘typical late bloomer’ – and I was (to some extent) bisexual.

That – to put it mildly – caused a mind-bending shift in my worldview. To say I went a little insane for the better part of a month is an understatement. I’d been raised a fundamentalist Baptist, at one time a deacon in a church from another protestant denomination, and I voted mostly Republican.

I’d never hurt anyone on purpose, but kept ‘queers’ at arm’s length. I can only assume I’d been in denial about certain emotions that – now in hindsight – I’d likely had all my life, but suppressed. I had been so deep in DeNial, that I was somewhere in Zimbabwe….

Because of one concerned soul, I’m still here. I hate to admit to myself how close I was to killing myself, I was that miserable. I got talked to by someone that knew what – to some extent – what was going on. I saw a psychiatrist, I’m taking a better antidepressant – I still have episodes, but not as bad.

I’m seeing a counselor, and I have issues – MANY issues – that need attention. My mom’s behavior and the theocratic nonsense I’d been force-fed as child broke parts of me. I’m only bent now.

Here it is, almost a year later, and I’m certain who I am, but still muddy on the details. This blog is somewhere that I can remain anonymous, record what really is going on, open a dialog with other transgender folk like me, pour out my heart – and maybe, just maybe, help someone else that has the same issues.


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3 responses to “Obligatory Initial Post….

  1. You’re a thoroughly decent human being. Always have been. When it comes down to it, that’s all that matters, the rest is detail.

    OK, details can be crucial, life-saving or life-threatening, but if you want to go all religious, 1 Corinthians 13’s pretty good, even for atheists like me.

  2. Great to have you out and about, as it were. And what Zoe said.

  3. Thanks girls – I found that facebook did’t allow me to simply say things without feeling like I was forcing someone to respond (ala ‘private messages’) or have someone say something rude to say (ala ‘the wall’) that I had no way of controlling beforehand.

    Another reason was that I was posting under my real name. While I believe in accountability – I’m not ready to go ‘full time femme’. I may not ever be, given who I am. (no one important boys and girls, I simply have family and I’m not MtF as far as I know).

    This gives me the option of talking to those that are like me, those starting out and not be ‘out’.

    I’m still largely there, and I know how scary it can seem at times.

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