Born this way….

Today, a poignant graphic….

My own kids (18 & 22) didn’t react as emotionally as I did when I told them a couple of weeks ago of my issues with Gender and Sexual attraction. Children understand Love, and they start to understand sexual attraction (if things work right) in their teens.

I prayed a LOT when I started to shift emotionally. I’d always been ‘the odd one’ but had never seen myself as ‘gay-oriented’ in any manner. But, I’d never ‘fit in’ anywhere for long, and I never felt as if I had to condemn others for who their were – I was far less uncomfortable around people I knew to be gay than my friends. I found myself – at 53 years old – crying uncontrollably at times, and increasingly attracted to men, I was very much at a loss for WHY this was happening.

One of my triggers when things started was when I saw a webcomic character that had access to technology that enabled him to become ‘her’ at will. Something ‘clicked’ then – that tapped feelings in me that had likely been suppressed for decades, and I began to remember all the times that I’d shoved away things that I found attractive – but had shoved away because my upbringing – family, church, community – had beaten into me was wrong.

I’ve been beaten quite literally – I was bullied a lot in school – and left for dead in a parking lot in Las Vegas by some drug store cowboy that thought I was gay and that I’d offended him….

I was brought up Southern Baptist, which is only a couple of steps away from Westboro-style nincompoopery in all honesty. My mother is (almost literally) nuts, and a hypocrite of the first order. Some say it’s because she was abused as a child – there is evidence to support that. Some think that the Scarlet Fever she had when I was a child had something to do with it – mom never changed as far as I can tell. She’s ALWAYS been the same to me – and only once I’d seen what life was like away from her – after my parent’s divorced – did I start to realize how much her own problems had bled over into my life. I made a promise to myself then, if I ever had kids, that I’d make every effort to not let the poison continue into my children’s lives. I’d like to think that I largely succeeded, even if I’m more distant than I would have preferred to be from them.

I’ve grown as a Christian, even if I end up breaking some rules – This fellow’s view is pretty close to my own:

I’m not really convinced that ‘gay sex’ is breaking the rules if you’re in a  loving relationship – I readily admit I could be wrong, but I will NOT submit to teachers that tell me I’m wrong for seeing men in that light. Given the scandals the regularly rock the Catholic and Protestant branches of ‘Christendom’, I don’t think they have the Authority to call me on it.

I was born this way – and it’s pretty obvious to me I was.

No one SEEKS to be this way – certainly not me. I have a family, a GOOD wife, and a decent job. I suddenly (relatively speaking) found out I had a preference is for what are called ‘twinks’ in the Gay Community. ( I don’t care that much for muscly guys – I like effeminate guys and slightly butch or VERY curvy women) …I’m sure more than a few of my family would be shocked to hear that….


February 7, 2013 · 6:48 pm

3 responses to “Born this way….

  1. That was a very moving account of your life.. and I appreciate the honesty… NO ONE , any of my gay, lesbian or transgender friends has ever told me their whole story… I am glad to have this outlet to better understand them, and you, and glad you have this outlet to * vent*…. so sorry about you upbringing… I was emotionally abused as a child for being a girl ( my mom only loved her sons-who knows why)…. so that I can recognize and appreciate.. When I had children I vowed I would never be like my mom… but more like my grandma ( paternal) who gave me the mother’s love I otherwise would not have gotten.. be well…. I am still recovering from my upbringing and I am no spring chicken… LOL

  2. Susan – if you have questions, I’ll try to answer them…..

    Some things never totally leave you, even after you’ve acknowledged it – especially if the one that caused it think they did nothing wrong, or can’t admit it.

    • ah.. I actually got a message … YaY! Children love you unconditionally, like pets ( bad comparison but true)… they have no reason not to love; they * expect * the same in return.. honesty with them only increases this uncondional love I believe… always be hones ( yet kind) to your kids…

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