I’m dealing now with issues having to do with both sexual attraction and emotions – those emotions having to do with who I am gender-wise. Biological is easy (I’m male) – the rest is framed in context to society, the role I fill in my marriage, and my feelings.
This whole last week, I felt very ‘feminine’ – I can’t lay a finger on much, just how I FELT. A lot of things – for me certainly – are stereotypical. I like smelling nice, I like ‘feminine’ clothing (my wife is NOT ready for much of that at all), I like for people to think I look nice.
I waited all week to post, because I was so emotional I found it hard to sit down in the few free minutes I had to do so….There are commercials on TV that drive me crazy, not because the girls are hot – but because the OUTFITS are to die for….all ‘feelings’. God, I wish I could look like that…. <sigh>
I’m terrible at feelings, though I’m slowly learning – after 4 decades of not allowing myself to feel much at all – how to deal with them, control them, and when to trust them. I’ve always been ‘intuitive’ about things – and I’m only coming to trust it more and more as time passes.
I must have been taught – at a very early age, in some way not obvious to me even in hindsight – NOT to trust my feelings. I was told not to cry, to fight the bullies, to ‘be a man’. I learned not to trust my judgement by extension, not to trust myself, it seems. It explains the very low self-esteem I’ve had all my life. The only pride I was allowed to have – was in my mental capacity. I didn’t need to know not to trust my body – it told me I was a weaklling. I was never good at sports, and always lost a fist fight.
Now that I’m having to deal with something that’s almost ENTIRELY emotion-based, I’m having a rough time getting my emotions to align with what my intellect tells me. My intellect tells me I’m either Bigender, or a very femme male, and that if things ‘go further along’ – SRS is a possibility. I certainly know that hormones may help my emotional state. I don’t have to transition – but I accept that as a logical conclusion IF things progress too much further than where they are now.
I don’t WANT to transition, but it hurts to think about NOT doing about a third of the time.
Some feelings are so deeply buried, and so BIG an issue, that they must be explored first. Thing is, MANY of the issues, feelings, experiences of so many other Trans* people line up so closely to these feelings, that it’s really scary. Some are almost like sisters to me.
I’m still ‘feeling out’ what I am – how deep some things go – I have not hit the ‘bottom’ of most things.
I don’t really feel ‘female’ that often. I almost never feel ‘male’ – I never really have, I can’t really say what ‘being male’ feels like. WOULD I recognize ‘female feelings’ that aren’t sexual in nature? I’ve certainly had THOSE…..
My emotions about being bisexual are pretty clear – I have only to feel the tightening of my crotch to see that at times. Disturbing? a little – but it’s a concrete reality I can literally hang a hat on. Male bodies at times give me sweaty palms, make me breath heavy – I bet my eyes even dilate….
But, when my sexual identity shifts to female, I want things that are physically impossible to do in this body. I’ve had those – not often – but a lot in the last year. I’ve had phantom pains – so bad it brought tears to my eyes. That’s the dilemma I face – AM I a transexual, or a bigender person?
Transition is permanent, and I’d probably make an ugly woman without a LOT of expensive surgery. One friend whose judgement I trust, told me that transition is only for when the pain is so bad – suicide looks like a good option. Staring this in the face, I tend to accept that at face value.
I dealt with a LOT of pain, near-suicidal levels of it before. I can deal with this, for as long as it takes to determine exactly WHO I am now. Low-level, non-transistional levels of hormones are a possibility, if they help alleviate this interminable existential angst.
I’m not ready for boobs YET, but – if it happens, it’s going to be because I’m as certain as I can be that I’m a woman inside – not just the genderqueer guy it seems I certainly am now……