Monthly Archives: January 2014

Reconciling a personality….

On a Faceplant list I’m on, Someone posted a question….

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“what age were you when you realized your body didn’t match your gender?”

53

“Where you a feminine child or did you hide it for a while?”

In retrospect, yes – got called sissy, fag, and queer a lot as a child – up to my Junior year of high
school. Didn’t understand why then.

I didn’t ‘hide’ it, as much as ‘didn’t realize’ it. Quite heavy religious repression as a child.

I really had no real sense of ‘gender’ as a child – or much of my adult life. Didn’t fit in with the
‘guys’, and wasn’t allowed/trained not to fit in with the ‘girls’ – didn’t like ‘guy’ things, still don’t.

As I go through therapy, it’s increasingly apparent I suppressed my female identity from a VERY young age.

I don’t connect well emotionally to being female, but the mannerisms, behaviors, sexual expression and
needs, emotional responses – ALL are more in the ‘feminine’ range than the male if looked at rationally.

I don’t connect AT ALL with being male, despite 50+ years of immersion in it.
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That’s the best short answer I can give. Like any Trans* person, the answer is obviously more involved – but I think that’s the best summary to date.

I continue with therapy, and I’ve been off the antidepressants for months now. I take a number of over-the-counter supplements that seem – as a group – to help me stay on an even keel emotionally. The biggest boost has to be my recent addition of Pregnenolone. It’s a precursor to all the sex hormones. It seems, based on the symptoms and symptom improvement, that I’ve been suffering from a shortage of them for some time – I suspect progesterone was the worst of the shortages. I see my ‘insulin doctor’ in a few days, and
I need to lay out my reasoning on paper so I can explain it (in case dysphoria or anxiety kicks in while trying to explain it to him).

As the title implies, I’m attempting to put myself back together emotionally – to re-assemble something like a normal personality instead of the male mask that I constructed to satisfy other people. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to remember things in my occasional moments of clarity. It’s not so much that I don’t have much clarity – but that I’m realizing what a mess I am emotionally and cognitively. The pregnenolone boosts ALL my hormones, and I’m biologically male – so it’s probably boosting testosterone as well. I can
‘ride the wave’ and see that it limits me emotionally and intellectually – while boosting me physcially.

In looking back, I re-live things – trying to see where things went wrong and right. I try to re-discover things long stuffed into little cracks in the corners of my mind. I allow myself to experience emotions I was told weren’t ‘proper’ for little boys, and had suppressed habitually for decades. It’s like puberty in some ways, there’s an emotional roller-coaster that never *quite* stops. In observing other women – and yes, I identify slightly more as one now – that seems to be normal.

It’s scary and liberating at the same time.

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