Second Anniversary…. a milestone?

You know, I still find that purple-haired avatar appealing. 

I “figured it out” two years ago as of yesterday, I never do anything on time. Women are always supposed to be late, right? 

I’m still here, I haven’t self-destructed – I’m still married – I’m still employed. Considering the emotional storms I’ve been through, I’m fairly happy with that. I’ve been in therapy almost two years, and I’m off of Anti-depressants. 

When it became apparent to me I was a transsexual, I thought I’d simply acknowledge that, and move on with my life. 

It’s just not that simple….. Gender asserts itself. It has – for all of my life – I simply wasn’t aware that was what it was. I don’t know just what it’s like with others, those that know from early in their lives. I was simply sort of ‘not attached’ to any of the activities that men did, that men were normally engaged in. I’d like to engage in hypnotherapy at some point to see if there was some punishment or event that kept me from seeing my female mindset early on – or if it’s simply something I didn’t have the ability to see in myself. Perhaps I simply had no example I was allowed to follow. It frankly bugs me a little – but I’m smart enough to know that I may never figure that out. 

I find myself somewhat slowly being moved in a more feminine direction. I’ve experienced what we call ‘dysphoria’ since – well, probably a bit before I figured things out. It’s that anxiety that ‘broke’ me on the 3rd of March two years ago. I find my sexuality has shifted – not simply that I find some aspects of male masculinity attractive, but I actually feel the same ‘urges’ some women feel in response to those sexual clues. It’s primal, and is coming from a place deep inside me. I get what women want out of a man. I’m ‘hitting puberty’ in some ways. 

I can’t believe how much I LOVE having long hair now, I haven’t had it cut for almost two years now. I simply like seeing myself as more feminine – it makes me happy in a way I can’t really understand – it simply IS….I’ve never been so happy that I felt like crying. I do at times now. My ’emotional range’ is something I try to allow to assert itself. I know now why I was a ‘crybaby’ as a boy – it was because I was a girl. That makes more sense than anything else I’ve tried to figure out. 

 

I haven’t started any hormone replacement therapy. I hadn’t planned on it at first, I’d simply planned on dealing with what I (and many other trans* people) call “brain fog”. I started taking pregnenolone based on posts in the ‘Gender Research for all Genders’ group on Facebook to see if that helped – I not only feel sharper, I feel much less anxiety than I did, and my depression is only coming in ‘normal’ spurts and related to my dysphoria. 

It seems – from the tests I’ve gotten my endocrinologist to run – that I’ve got oddball endocrinology – SHBG is tying up all my testosterone. I may have had low progesterone along with low available testosterone. 

 

I no longer plan on NOT transitioning – but I have to ensure my family and I are in good shape financially. I think that I’ll be healthier emotionally and physically if I do transition. The reason for that is not simply the health advantages of ‘running on estrogen’, or my odd endocrinology. My Dad tells me that Mom ‘took all sorts of things’ while she was pregnant with me. I strongly suspect I was exposed to DES – and that ‘modified’ some things about me. 

Matthew 19: …11But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given. 12“For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.”

 

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