I’ve started keeping sporadic track of the times I feel more ‘feminine’ and the times I’m down. It helps a little to track just when (or if) I have a monthly rhythm. Honestly – I think I might – but it could also be times that I’m simply not eating right or not taking my insulin at the right dosage.
I’m still taking 50 mg of Pregnenolone twice a day, and I really think the progesterone boost helps immensely.
There are times I’m very male still, but there are also times I feel very feminine. I cry at odd things, and easily at times. I’ve also FINALLY found a support group – here: http://www.agapemcc.com/
…my first meeting was last night, I met a facebook friend there, the person that told me about them – and someone else that has the same issues. It took me more than a month to make up my mind to go and screw up the courage to go there. The fact that it was a little disorganized actually turned out to be helpful. The three of us were the last ones to leave, as we ended up talking out in the parking lot for some time. I hope they decide to attend regularly too, as I realize now just how isolated I’ve been – and how much I need to be with people like myself.
I was busy today, but the meeting also made me realize I need to get busy and get organized.
atomicdunce 
I remember when I first discovered a support group in our city. It was on a lark that I thought to lead look – to this point I was virtually isolated with only one *safe* person in whom I could confide, and she was not trans (as I already knew myself to be). You couldn’t just drop into this group’s meetings, but had to be interviewed first. I sent a tentative email to the person listed on the web page (one of the founders, I later learned), and after a brief chat, she welcomed me to attend and gave me driving directions. My first nesting was like a little taste of Heaven as I finally met people whose experiences were in the same balllpark as mine! What a blessing!! Now, I’ve been with this group for more than four years and they have seen and helped me through my journey, and I have the opportunity to help other, new members, work on the great task of becoming themselves!!
So glad. A support group can be so important.
I never did find a support group that worked for me, so it’s been a combination of support groups on Facebook, supportive church groups (who didn’t understand but they care), and choir and singing lessons where I am simply accepted as I am.
I also found an MCC church which has been a huge blessing to me. Nobody minds that I look a little odd, and I’ve been welcomed onto the worship team and even invited to a women’s retreat. So good!!
Last night was my second meeting. While I was trying to make a comment, I sort of broke down. I hate loosing control of my emotions like that, but it seems that it’s not an uncommon thing for a woman to do.
I keep waiting for some confirmation that I am either a woman or a man – I know that’s irrational, but it’s the way my mind works.
I let myself go a little, emotionally – trying to be less careful, less controlled – and simply REACT. I find that very hard to do at times. The iron grip of the mask I wore for so long keeps trying to re-assert itself. I would have a spare moment not paying attention to others, and realize, I really was gesturing the way I see women doing – and I’m realizing it’s really me doing that, unpracticed, unrehearsed….
It’s nice to be in a room full of people that – though my old filters are screaming ‘these people are weird’ – I feel very comfortable with. They react to things the way i do – they talk like I do – they see things that I see – heh – even the FtM’s….
…I’m beginning to realize how very lonely I’ve been for a very long time.
Yes, I’ve gone through the “these people are weird” and feeling very comfortable around them “thing” too. I have found that I am more comfortable around queer folk than I ever was with my straight faith community. It’s like I have found a long-lost family where we “click” on multiple levels. It’s been even more a blessing to meet people of faith among my fellow queer folk. 🙂
Meeting before last was wonderful.
That, together with everything else, seems to confirm ‘where I am’ in all this.