What is Transition?

I’ve had one friend who’s kept on me about taking care of myself. Everyone needs a friend that checks up on you that understands you. As another Trans* person,  she understands some things better than my wife.

It’s been a while!!

Life is good, some challenges, but life overall is much better.  My wife understands some more of what’s going on, I’m not out at work yet, and I’m only starting to think about “girl clothes”.

… and that “concerns” some of my friends. Less so than I used to deal with (largely because the noisiest have either shut up, figured me out, or blocked me for “not being that genuine”)…

Being Trans* isn’t about one thing – gender is a spectrum.  I think transition for many of us is not only about HRT and learning “how to be a girl” – it’s about learning who we’re supposed to be.

We learn that we’re not just a girl, and not just who society wants us to be – but who we should have been.

Society tramples even CIS people in it’s effort to push us all into nice boxes – cogs to make the mechanism of civilization work, with zero concern for who we are. That’s part of the struggle. It’s something I have serious issues with among Trans* people – too many of us try to fit into ANOTHER box. Too many try to force others to fit into their political agenda.

Transition is about FREEDOM….

And I’m all about Freedom.

4 Comments

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4 responses to “What is Transition?

  1. “it’s about learning who we’re supposed to be.”

    *EXACTLY* 😊❤

    • You once said that I presented more or less as who I was – that was 5-6 years ago, I think. That concerned me more THEN, than now. That’s another indicator of how far I’ve improved emotionally. Though I’m not about to shout it from the rooftops, I’m not terribly concerned that people notice I’m a little different. My wife freaked out a little in Walmart when she noticed a guy was PROBABLY staring at my boobs – but that honestly made me laugh.

      I might be a B cup at this point, I think people would be more concerned if I acted on the exhibitionist streak that I try to keep under wraps.

      I’m not “binary” – and I’m figuring that out now. Both a non-binary identity and being bisexual is complex and confusing. I try to not stare at guys – BUT… I do. I missed that “window of opportunity” for the most part. The single encounter I had with a guy back in Nuke School kind of freaked me out for at least 2 reasons.

      I’m – complex – and that puts some people off – see the “non-binary” identity. I think my sexuality – running on estrogen (it’ll be 4 years in October) – is essentially female.

      I lean “more female than male” – not sure how far that dive goes. I know I’m simply NOT “male inside”. I run so much better on estrogen.

      I think a little T might help – both with hair and muscles, just a TOUCH. I’m running in the 8-12 pg/ml(??) range – and the norm is 20-60, IIRC. CIS women need more, and I think I do too. Having taken pregnenolone early on (essentially from 2013 until 2017) drove T down below 200. That helped emotionally, and it’s why taking E basically drove it into the basement.

      The tests on any Intersex issues I might have came up zilch. I’m XY, and came up as not having one of the Androgen Insensitivity issues. If I am Intersex, it’s subtler or uncommon. Frankly, I consider being Transgender an Intersex issue. I’m not the only one that thinks that.

      • It’s good to hear from you again!

        You have the wonderful quality of always being yourself, even as you are evolving. I think THAT is what I saw when we first met, and I am sorry that I did not communicate that to you clearly.

        In all our interactions, I have had that sense that you are nonbinary, but on the feminine side of it. I did not express this because I was not sure what you were aiming for and I wanted you to have room to explore and discover for yourself…

        …I recognized it because for years I was on the feminine side of androgynous even as I continued to gradually blossom into womanhood. I could have “stopped” at any point along that journey (and my spouse would have appreciated this), but each time I removed a masculine gender cue and added a feminine one, I checked myself, and found that as “right” as it felt, I wanted to move further. My “stopping point” is somewhere between “tomboy” and “girly-girl,” so I am comfortable being a Queer Woman with a few dashes of genderqueer.

        Re intersex: yes, I agree with you, AND likewise, I learned that I am XY from my 23&Me. I am virtually certain that it was DES exposure through 4/5ths of my gestation that put me into the blurry space between intersex and transsexual. Whatever anyone can say, I was no more a cis male than I will ever be a cis female: I am transgender, and I am certain that this will be seen to be yet another way to be intersex.

        Re bisexual: interesting! And I can understand that scary bit because I have been asexual/demisexual for all my life, and when I got my estradiol levels comfortably into the female range, I suddenly started to have little twinges of interest in both sexes. BUT hormones are pretty profound, and since I generally do not have *any* testosterone (not even from my adrenals), my interest in sex is lower than it has ever been.

        Re testosterone, you may be able to get your doctor to prescribe some topical testosterone. I have found that a little bit helps very noticeably where my visual-spatial-reasoning is concerned, and also my logical-mathematical reasoning. You can get this filled at a compounding pharmacy.

        Again, I am thrilled that you are comfortable where you are! 🙂 ❤

  2. “thrilled that you are comfortable where you are!”

    …Boobs are bloody awesome.

    “..You have the wonderful quality of always being yourself, even as you are evolving. I think THAT is what I saw when we first met, and I am sorry that I did not communicate that to you clearly..”

    I can’t imagine being fake. No matter what gender space I occupy.

    I might not be politically correct, I may appear rude to some, but I can’t do Fake. I think on occasion that people WANT me to support their thinking, and don’t “react well” when I don’t.

    “..In all our interactions, I have had that sense that you are nonbinary, but on the feminine side of it. I did not express this because I was not sure what you were aiming for and I wanted you to have room to explore and discover for yourself…”

    I appreciate that.

    A former friend basically told me to abandon the idea of Transition, gave me the usual “religious reasons” to stop. At the time, it tore me apart – because I respected her then.

    Nothing would have been a bigger mistake.

    Yes, Transition complicates our lives.

    But we’re complicated – and nothing can change that.

    “…I recognized it because for years I was on the feminine side of androgynous even as I continued to gradually blossom into womanhood. I could have “stopped” at any point along that journey (and my spouse would have appreciated this), but each time I removed a masculine gender cue and added a feminine one, I checked myself, and found that as “right” as it felt, I wanted to move further. My “stopping point” is somewhere between “tomboy” and “girly-girl,” so I am comfortable being a Queer Woman with a few dashes of genderqueer…”

    This is SO DIFFERENT from what I was told I was, from how I learned to approach life.

    But my heart says “keep going, we’re not there yet”

    “…Re intersex: yes, I agree with you, AND likewise, I learned that I am XY from my 23&Me…”

    There are people that are so militant about us not being a part of their Banana Boat they’re willing to fight pretty hard. We’re “faggots” to them.

    But there are many that also occupy this space with us that are demonstrably Intersex and fit into a ‘conventional’ medical classification of same….

    “…I am virtually certain that it was DES exposure through 4/5ths of my gestation that put me into the blurry space between intersex and transsexual…”

    Mom “took all kinds of things”, but also had two surgeries during my gestation. Stress on the fetus during the pregnancy greatly increases one’s chances of being Transgender. I may be as much a “natural” as a “DES Son”.

    “..Whatever anyone can say, I was no more a cis male than I will ever be a cis female: I am transgender, and I am certain that this will be seen to be yet another way to be intersex..”

    Once I had discovered the probable reason I never fit into the Binary, I began to see all the many ways I wasn’t male. I continue to see new things.

    God calls me “Daughter”.

    …that resonates so very deeply with me.

    “…Re bisexual: interesting!…”

    COMPLEX!! 🙂

    “…And I can understand that scary bit because I have been asexual/demisexual for all my life..”

    I tend to think ALL women are demisexual to a degree.

    I’ve always been scared of men to some degree, I think – they were my tormentors all through childhood.

    “..and when I got my estradiol levels comfortably into the female range, I suddenly started to have little twinges of interest in both sexes. BUT hormones are pretty profound, and since I generally do not have *any* testosterone (not even from my adrenals), my interest in sex is lower than it has ever been…”

    I’ve been driven like a male all my life – but sex AS a male didn’t ever feel RIGHT. My T is pretty low now – 8-12 ng/dl

    When I was on Pregnenolone (200 mg/day for 2-4 years) I was likely driving my T down – I began “guy watching”. That’s only gotten more intense the longer I’ve been on Estrogen. E is in the 600-800 (pMol/liter – IIRC) range.

    I’ve woken up thinking about guys – the idea of being on the ‘receiving end’ of a nice guy’s attention is oddly attractive now. Yeah – hormones make us ‘tick’, and no amount of ‘trying to be male’ can overcome that.

    Apparently even after decades of testosterone.

    I can only bemoan what a waste – other than the birth of two wonderful children – of time that was.

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