WHO ARE YOU? part 2….

I’m “amending” my blog posts as I noted in the previous one. Updates, perhaps – or just to re-phrase things. …this is basically a re-write and update of a previous post.

Here I used the name “Atomicdunce” initially ( there’s a reason I picked that name. I was once involved in the US Navy’s Nuclear Power Program) – I found it staggering that I was not able to see just how different I was. Seriously, I matched the criteria for being a Transsexual person for almost 40 years….

Honestly, how did I miss that?

Well, as it turns out – I’m likely what used to be called an “Aspie” – someone that deals with “high functioning Autism” or Asperger’s. That was the opinion of my first therapist. As an adult, I’d LONG ago developed coping strategies, verifying it would be costly – and I simply proceeded as it was true.

I wasn’t “connected to my emotions” very well, it seems – I don’t run well on testosterone. But it was the ‘default setting’. Testosterone makes Autism issues worse.

It seems “mostly true”….

I was also subject to emotional abuse as a child – my birth mother was Southern Baptist, and tried to shove my “issues” into the closet in addition to other things. We don’t communicate – I missed HAVING a mother, but I don’t miss the person that considers herself my mom much. She causes me a lot of anxiety, and it’s likely she’d never of been able to understand why.

I truly wish that I’d of had an actual family. I didn’t have parents, I had negligent care-takers at best.

There’s a reason I wished to remain anonymous when I first started blogging – it was known only to about a dozen and a half people outside my immediate family that I’m trans and queer – I’m still a bit reluctant to let it be known at work.

I’m not likely to be fired, but it’s something I think it’d be hard for the knuckle-draggers I work with to deal with and I’d just as soon NOT deal with the comments. I already seem a little ‘different’ to them…

My Employer even started having Pride events

….but those make me feel like some sort of “virtue trophy”. I am who I am – don’t patronize me or use me to gain political points….

I’m still a husband and father.

I’ve been married over 35 years as of March. My wife is still trying to deal with this. I should probably get back into therapy. Hormones have shifted things – and not just physically (that’s actually pretty slow, later in life). I’ve grown as a person, and I’d like to be more social.

I’m a Christian – I’m not a Catholic, nor am I fundamentalist. I really – honestly – try to be the real deal. I’m not perfect. I try to be kind and I try to speak to people where THEY are at, not from some position of power or a pulpit. 

It’s a part of who I am as surely as my sexual orientation. 

I usually ignore non-intelligent atheists that cite me logic derived of their own minds proving god is a fantasy. Certainty of thought is a good tool to have – but it only gets you so far. I’m not an idiot – but I am Human – I have paperwork to testify as to both.

I’m a Transsexual

I used to identify as Androgynous. I’m changing, as I said, and still use the default male pronouns, as I’m biologically male and Pre-op. I don’t know if I’ll get much in the way of surgery. My goal in the mid-term is getting some body shaping done. I have breasts (bra size 44B) after about 6 years on estrogen, and I want to get rid of the gut to match that shape.

I thought I was bisexual, but – hormones change things. Guys can really make my heart go “thumpity thump” – that started 3-4 years ago. I’d say I’m more pansexual than bisexual…. it’s a mess, honestly.

An awesome, beautiful, emotional mess.